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Something I Have to Tell (Part One)

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September 3 1999

It feels far too strange to be writing down these things that I have seen for I know not whether they are real or just some idle images of an unhinged mind. I no more understand these vivid tapestries of sights, sounds and smells that befall my mind as dreams do but when I am not in the state of sleep. All I can do is scribe my experiences for you to judge, perhaps you are more knowing of these matters than I. Maybe I am compelled to fix these experiences to paper in ink. To allow my mind to hinge on something solid rather than to simply allow my own mind to tempt itself to convince itself and to betray me by falsehoods of pure imagination.

I can't really remember exactly when my life in the other place began. Maybe a year, it could even be two but I do know that it started like some vague recollection of a distant childhood memory. Those that lived around me slowly became strangers and no longer my kin. My own wife became a shadowy figure of a strangeness that I could not cast my eyes upon. My job at the software house became strange and haunted, more so than any of the most realistic video game that I could ever create. Even the term, video game, seems to me as of some ancient and unknown tongue. All I knew is that I was slowly becoming a part of some strange planet where I knew no one. People that I have known all my life slowly became as distant as the deepest regions of the underdark. Ah, the underdark! Yes, I understand this place although not of the Earth but still something as solid to me as my own beard and jerkin.

Although the pains that I suffer while in this Earthly realm strangle my mind, I can still just manage to hold my pen, quill and script these words. Maybe it is the pain but I feel as if this world where I was born is becoming as poisonous to me as the dry air is to a fish. I am just flailing around, hoping to be plunged back into my home... My new home or to be returned to my old abode?

The first time that I became aware of my transition and transformation I was hosting one of my famous back garden grills. My wife's and my family would come with a variety of salads and cold side dishes. The neighbours would also make an appearance with drinks and gossip to serve with my succulent cooked meats, all roasted and char-grilled right in our garden, under the sky itself. I had taken some of those new tablets I got from the doctor that very same morning to ward off the pains I had been suffering from for the previous week. I would have called it off but for my wife having looked forward to it since the previous one, which was held three months earlier. I never told anyone what I saw, I was going to but everyone that witnessed my falling into the red-hot coals said I was unconscious for only a few moments. My recollections said otherwise but I was too embarrassed by my own clumsiness and the fear in my wife's face made me keep those things to myself but I shall put something down, well what I can remember vividly enough. Judge me if you will it no longer matters to me. All I can promise is my honesty, as far as I know what the truth actually is anymore.

September 4 1999

I've been out of hospital for a week now and my bandages have been replaced several times. One of these occasions brought me back to that place. I wanted to write "take me" but it somehow didn't feel right. I am starting to realise that maybe it is this world which is the fantasy for my day to day existence is becoming as thin as the fine silk threads the spider uses to create her web in the corner of my bedroom. I long to return home. When I am back there, time seems to stand still here but when I am away from that place, my absence is missed. Surely, if this world was the reality, this would work the other way? How can I be away from this Earth for a week while those that have seen my leave proclaim that I was unconscious for the briefest of moments? Why is it that when I return back here and continue living this existence, those that I finally return to in the vivid world ask where I have been and sometimes have thought me dead as it's been so long since they saw me last? I know not the answers to these questions and I fear that given a choice between one world or the other I might choose the wrong one and end up in some kind of void.

I was born a farmer and lived to work the fields and raise beasts for food. I have laboured with the soil until my hands became callused and tough with honest work. My father was killed while on patrol when a bunch of drunken barbarians got out of hand and run him through with their sword. The small hamlet of Bezentil is quiet enough with only the occasional drunken brawl or heated argument from the trader's camp. Sometimes we would have to deal with small raiding parties that come out of the forests but the last skirmish akin to that was a season ago. The most common use of sword or bow is to keep the local warg population down or perhaps even a hungry bear or wolf that is attracted by the smells of cooking. Mother was devastated when my father's men brought his body back home that night. They had argued earlier that very same day about the dairy herd and I think that's stuck in her mind.

I was just a boy then but it was then that I first went missing from home, or is it really then that I first started having these mental wonderings? I have asked close friends and men of learning in the hamlet and most will suggest that some form of curse may be upon me. The priests are fearful of answering my questions but in secret they confide that it may be the God's way of showing me some kind of message and I am misinterpreting the visions I am seeing. I have asked some of those on this side of reality but no one can answer me. They fear for my sanity and question me about my sleeping habits and if I hear voices. No, the more I think of it I feel that it is this Earthly place that is the wondering of the mind.

Something I have to tell (Part 1) © MurlynLAN

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