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Giant Blue Underpants - Part Two

Author: 
QSW
Old Vault Category: 
fanfiction
Old Vault ID: 
7

Start CutScene 3 ctp_Gothic_Estate



Bow: What's that smell?



Bert: I'll tell you what that is, it's disgusting and I just stepped in it!



Bow: Oh, well we must be getting close then if it's that fresh. Can you tell if it is Minotaur droppings?



Bert: Wait a minute, how can you smell anything, you're a bow!



Bow: So? I have feelings, I was human once you know, I had all my senses, just because I don't look human any more doesn't mean I'm not sensitive, I'm not made of wood you know! *The Bow wails dramatically*



Bert: Yes you are.



Bow: That's right, throw that in my face too why don't you! Matter of fact, why don't you just throw me to the ground and crush me underfoot too!



Bert: Well, if you're sure you want me to...? *Bert shrugs the Bow off his shoulder and holds it out, lifting his left foot*



Bow: NOT THAT FOOT!



Bert: Eh? Oh yes, well since you're down there what is it, Minotaur?



Bow: *Sniffs* Elephant, or could be Cougar, although it must have been a very ill one judging by the sheer mass of what's been deposited.



Bert: You have no idea do you?



Bow: Nope, hoist me up now please, it really is disgusting and I do still have a sense of smell, just in case you had forgotten! *Makes gagging sounds as his bow string quivers with the effort*



Bert: I thought you wanted me to crush you, changed your mind then? *Bert raises a bow and continues to hold the Bow near his left dripping boot*



Bow: What? Oh that! I was practising, for the Yuletide play you know, the Bow Society hold one every year, I'm hoping to snag the lead part.



Bert: Aha.... *Smothers a grin as he shoulders the still rambling Bow*



Bow: Oh yes, last year, or was it the year before? Well never mind, it was some year, you know how it is...anyway I was Yorick, and boy was that a demanding part! Oh LOOK, a river, how fortunate for us...er you.



/End CutScene



Start CutScene 4 ctp_Elven_int & ctp_Elven_City_Exp




Bow: Have you noticed how many different types of scenery we have walked through Bert?



Bert: Yeah, weird huh? I mean, who made all this stuff, must have been drunk if you ask me



Bow: Elves, that's all we need, namby pamby ruddy elves!



Bert: Maybe they know about the Giant Blue Underpants, lets ask.



Bow: They won't talk to you, they're High Elves.



Bert: So?



Bow: So they simply ignore the existence of lower life forms.



Bert: Rubbish!



*Bert walks up to an attractive female and greets her. After a moment or two she points to a cave entrance in the cliffs and then turns and walks away*



Bert: See, nothing to it! Come on, we have to go into this cave.



Bow: What, that cave with all the green fog surrounding it?



Bert: That's the one.



Bow: Did it ever occur to you that might be a bad idea?



Bert: Nope.



*Bert walks into the cave and disappears*



/End CutScene



Start CutScene 5 ctp_Cave_Ruins




Bert: Oh look at this place, must be some kind of cave ruins



Bow: Your intelligence really astounds me sometimes Bert.



Bert: Yeah, me too. Look, abandoned huts, I wonder why the people left them, look sort' a cosy and all don't you think?



Bow: Sure sure, if you like being surrounded by green gaseous fog, stone wall to wall and ceiling, plus cold. Yup, I'd say whoever thought this place was a good idea were right on the money!



Bert: You're such a baby Bow, look here on this huge door, some kind of emblem. CTP...hmm must be the builders of this place, kind of silly name if you ask me. If I were naming this area I would call it something like, Caves Of Mystery or Eco Friendly Rock Home.



Bow: Or maybe, Carnivorous Trolls Palace.



Bert: You know, all this place needs is a bit of light. *Bert strikes a flint to light his torch* Oh man, that boiled rabbit seems to not agree with my guts.



Bow: It was raw, I told you that you have to let the water actually boil, but would you listen to me? Noooooo



Bert: I was hungry, something you have no inkling of. Oh man, I need to let rip. *Bert pulls a horrible face and suddenly lets rip with the most enormous fart.



Bow: NO!



*Too late, Bert's fart rips through the cavern powerful enough to set sparks off. The torch in his hand goes unnoticed, and chemistry being chemistry, Bert literally explodes through the massive wooden doors as the effects of his fart and the torch come in contact*



/End CutScene



Start CutScene 5 ctp_dungeon




Bow: Oh my beautiful French Polish finish is ruined! Look at me! Get up get up and LOOK AT ME!



Bert: No need to shout, didn't I mention my high listen skills before now? *Bert dusts himself off and picks up Bow*



Bow: Oh *sob* I shall never be the same, look at my string, all shredded, my beautiful skin, scratched beyond repair. *Bow goes off into a wailing session, Bert scratches his neck and waits for Bow to stop*



Bert: Look, you still work, see? *Bert notches an arrow to bow and pulls back with ease* Nothing wrong with your string, and a little pig grease and your finish will be just as lovely as it ever was.



Bow: PIG grease! Add insult to injury why don't you, you great oaf! If you do that I shall remove my unlimited ammo, but not before I FIRE one right up your.....!



Bert: Wouldn't do that if I were you Bow, look where a bit of fire and my err...well, just look where it got us this time.



Bow: You do realize that you have blown us into hell don't you?



Bert: I'd call it a dusty dungeon. My but it has good stonework though, just look at that spiral staircase! *Bert starts moving about banging walls and craning his neck around corners*



Bow: Yes, just LOOK at that staircase...might we go UP it do you think, and OUT?



Bert: I suppose so, I don't see any Giant Blue Underpants hanging on a washing line here.



Bow: I don't think the people down here concern themselves with clean clothing. *Dryly*



Bert: Why Bow, you never told me you had a high INT!



*Bert starts to climb the stair humming a merry tune, as Bow splutters indignantly*



Enter ctp_Brick_Interior



Bow: Oh look, I think we are entering civilization!



Bert: What makes you think so?



Bow: Well this is obviously the inside of a building, look at the bricks, the fireplace etc.



Bert: The dungeon had brickwork, and you didn't like it down there.



Bow: True but....



Bert: And what kind of 'civilized' person has a dungeon under their house?



Bow: A king perhaps?



Bert: Does this look like a palace?



Bow: I see your point. Perhaps it would be wise to leave here quickly. Oh wait, I've changed my mind! *Bow spots a nicely laid table and a boar roasting in the fireplace*



Bert: You don't have a mind, you're a bow.



Bow: Look humour me here OK? When was the last time you sat down to a decent meal, at a TABLE? There's wine also *Slyly Bow points this out, knowing Bert has a weakness for wine*



Bert: Are you saying I am uncouth?



Bow: Well, you can't cook, eat raw rabbit and belch from both ends continuously. Yes I think I am saying that, of course, I don't have a brain so perhaps it's all in your imagination...



Bert: At least you stopped at insulting my tracking abilities. *Bert sits down at the table*



Bow: Well, I could go on about that....



Bert: Don't.



Bow: Well you know you could....



Bert: Shut up. *Holds Bow towards the fire*



Bow: Point taken.



<i>/End CutScene

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