You are here

Giant Blue Underpants - Part Three

Author: 
QSW
Old Vault Category: 
fanfiction
Old Vault ID: 
8



CutScene Dialogue (OH = Old Hag )

Start CutScene 6 ctp_Dwarven Halls.




Bert: And I thought my huge boots were big, will you look at that hammer, it's humongous!



Bow: Gynormous!



Bert: That's what I said, stop showing off! Look OK, we are obviously in some huge giants lair. First we need to find out if the Giant Blue Underpants are here, then we need to get out alive.



Bow: Why would they be here?



Bert: *Sighs* Giants home, Gi-ant Blue Underpants?



Bow: You've lost me Bert, why would a giant be wearing underpants? I expect it would cost him a fortune to have them made.



Bert: Exactly! And so by my amazing powers of deduction, plus my super duper-amazing Ranger tracking skills. *Coughs* I deduce the giant is a skinflint who arranged to have the Giant Blue Underpants stolen so he could save quite a few gold!



*Bert gives a short victory dance in his huge boots*



Bow: Oh brother, you really do amaze me.



Bert: Yeah, I amaze myself. That old hag was lucky I came along when I did is all I can say. *Looks smug*



Bow: *Screams in frustration* You STUPID Old Hag, you really picked a ripe one here! I would have been better off staying with that dead idiot in the forest!



Bert: Now wait just a....



Bow: You just shut up! I'm not talking to you! He farts, eats rotten meat, doesn't even WASH, and here I am stuck under his armpit ALL day.



Bert: I washed last summer! Now I really do think you are going too....



Bow: I've been dragged into a rotten stinking cave; mind you it stunk better than his armpits! I've been BLOWN through SOLID wooden doors, by no less than a foul, rotten raw rabbit fart!



Bert: It tasted OK to me!



Bow: I've been in a dungeon, and had to sit at a table and watch this OAF dribble grease all over himself and me and the table AND the floor. And now I have to listen to him rambling on about his SKILL in deduction. Well I'll tell you what, there is NO way I am performing for your witch's coven annual party this year Missy!



Bert: Bow?



Bow: And you can expect my carpenters' bill for a complete overhaul of my French polish too!



Bert: Bow...?



Bow: WHAT?



Bert: Have you finished?



Bow: Yes, yes I have. Lead on oh great and mighty tracker.



Bert: You sure? Because if you need a few minutes...?



Bow: No, very kind of you, but can we please get on?



Bert: Right, well while you were throwing a paddy, I was looking about, and it seems that this is an empty giants castle.



Bow: *Silence*



Bert: So that means, no Giant Blue Underpants.



Bow: So it's empty is it?



Bert: Exactly.



Bow: So who's that great big ugly giant NOT wearing a pair of giant Blue Underpants then?



Bert: Huh? *Bert looks down the long hall and falls to his knees in shock*



/End CutScene.



Start CutScene 7 ctp_gothic_estate/ctp_gothic_interior
.



*Bert stands up and wobbles as if drunk*



Bow: Wow, that last punch must of hurt.



Bert: aha, just a bit Bow, just a bit. *Hunches over and pukes onto the immaculate lawn beneath his feet*



Bow: Lucky you never landed on me this time Bert, I could swear I heard your head break in several places.



Bert: You have good ears for a bow.



Bow: *coughs* look Bert, there seems to be a really big house up that road, maybe they can give you some help?



Bert: I've lost the tracks; I have no idea where we are, or how to get back to the trail. All is lost Bow, I have... *pukes*... failed!



Bow: Come on Bert knock on the door. You could do with a seat, maybe some dinner and a bottle or twenty of wine hmm?



*Bert touches the handle of the door and enters the large house*



Bert: Happy days Bow! I got me a huge manor house, tons of food and a cellar full of vintage wine. Who cares about Giant Blue Underpants anyway?!



Bow: Indeed my friend indeed! *hic*



Bert: You know, this elephant meat sure looks disgusting and grey, but BOY does it taste good! Hey Bow, how rich do you think I am now?



Bow: Last count my good man, was *Hic* forty eight thousand, give or take a few priceless artefacts.



Bert: Hey Bow, I got to let rip mate, this elephant meat is begging for release!



Bow: *Laughing hysterically* Bert, light my bottom end in the fire and lets have some real fireworks!



*Bert laughs and does as suggested. A sudden explosion rocks the manor house and slowly through the smoke Bert appears.*



Bow: Oh my god Bert, look at your pants!



Bert: yeah, I think I really did them a mischief this time Bow. Still, I can afford a new pair eh *sways and laughs*



Bow: No Bert, LOOK at them, they are gigantic, and BLUE!



Bert: Well will you look at that, I had them all the time! Does this mean....?



Bow: Yep. King of the world mate, right up there with the Gods! Bert of the Giant Blue Underpants. Thousands will flock to your temples, chaos shall reign, and you get the pick of the chicks!



Bert: But...but I...



Bow: burn baby burn!



*Suddenly the house is aflame and Bert is screaming. He wakes up in the forest and looks up to see an Old Hag leaning over him hitting him with a stick*



OH: Get up! Get off my cabbage patch you great oaf!



Bert: Old Hag!



OH: Call me names will you!



Bert: Ow! Ouch! Stop that! *Bert ducks as the Old hag hits him with her stick* I'm sorry, I must have had too much to drink last night. I had a nightmare!



OH: So now I'm a nightmare am I?



Bert: No I didn't mean....*Bert grabs up his bow and starts running into the forest*



OH: Go on get! *Turns away scratching at her empty eye socket*



Bert: Never again, no Pochine for me ever again. Oh my head! Thank the Gods I don't have that annoying talking bow for real.



Bow: you spoke?



*Bert is seen running deeper into the forest as his scream echo's all around*



/End CutScene. The End!

Migrate Wizard: 
First Release: 
  • up
    50%
  • down
    50%