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Giant Blue Underpants - Part One

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This is a script I wrote for a project called the CTP. It was to be used in a Cut Scene/Movie. The idea is a comic dialogue while the NPC's move through the 10 sets of the first release. Sadly the CutScene/Movie is not going to happen, there simply is no one on the CTP staff who is a CutScene artist, and no time for any to learn how to be one. I wrote this script with the likes of Generika and The Order Of The Stick comic strips in my mind. It is not in their class by any means, but I would like to thank the authors of those comic strips for giving much pleasure and the guts to try my hand at this.

Main Story Plot.


Old Hag, forest witch.

An artefact has been stolen from the druids of the forest; this artefact was made from petrified wood and imbued with much earth magic. Due to its magical nature, this artefact glows bright blue, and is coincidently, shaped in the form of a large pair of underpants.

Reason Old Hag gives quest to Bert:

The old hag lives in the forest and is very powerful. She is in fact a servant of the neutral gods, and it is her duty to ensure that a balance is maintained, even though she hates her job. The Druids of the forest have been put into a magical sleep from which they cannot wake. If the Great Blue Underpants artefact is not recovered, they will all sleep until they wither away from old age, and the forests will wither, as will the balance of nature until nothing but chaos reigns.

CutScene Dialogue (OH = Old Hag )

Start Cut Scene ctp_forest set.

*Old Hag hobbles up to the PC on perceiving him*

OH: So you're here at last, only took you one month to make a 10 day trip. *Sighs and scratches at her empty eye socket*

OK, lets get on with it! *Takes up an important stance, all hunched over and drooling*

I am the great and mystical Grornia, and I have been waiting for one such as you…

Bert: It's not my fault you know, I have a high spot check. *Brushes back his flowing locks*

OH: What's that got to do with it?

Bert: Well, it's all the chicks you see, I see them all and it would be rude to just ignore them. *Leans on his bow wearily, catching herself just as it snaps*

OH: Chicks?

Bert: Well I am a Ranger after all!

OH: *scratches at her eye socket then winces as she realizes that it wasn't the empty one* But I heard you coming 2 miles away, you're noisier than a Frost Giants fart!

Bert: Well that’s not my fault, it's these new boots! *Lifts up his left foot with an enormous boot on the end of it*

OH: Where on Earth did you get those?!

Bert: Ha! Some seer you are, don't even know that I got these new boots from a goblin. OUCH! *holds his face* What was that for?

OH: To show you your spot is not that high and your dexterity is even worse. This is what they give me to work with! Now behave yourself Bert, and listen up. *looks down at the enormous boot again, spittle hanging loosely from the corner of her mouth* A Goblin you say, that must have been some goblin, will you look at the size o them?!

Bert: Yeah, I heard him coming ten miles away, he was easy pickings *coughs* err I mean, protecting the forest and all that, racial enemy and…stuff.

OH: Ten miles away huh?

Bert: Yeah, I got a high listen check too.

OH: Good, then I won't have to repeat myself will I?

Bert: What was that?

OH: *sighs* Look, you follow that path, hang on…*throws a few rabbit turds, eye of newt, dried up old mushroom and a pinch of salt to her portable cooking pot. Mumbles a few words and points at Bert's feet. **POOF!**

Bert: Hey thanks! They fit better now, a tad too big still, but I guess you're still learning or something, maybe if you magicked up a new eye you would be able to see better, but then perhaps it’s the new look for you lot? *Looks down at his still humongous boots only slightly smaller than before, flaps them on the forest floor, satisfied that he might well be able to work on his move silently skill….when his feet grow a bit more, maybe….perhaps…*

OH: Right. Follow that path, all the way to the end, turn left, or it could be right, I forget which. *Waves her hand in no particular direction* pick up the trail of a Minotaur who happens to have stolen the Great Blue Underpants artefact. If that evil monster manages to take it back to its master, the world shall fall into utter chaos once said master puts them on. Got that?

Bert: Got it! *Salutes* Uhm…which path? *Looks at the three paths leading from the grove*

OH: That one

Bert: The stone one?

OH: No, that one

Bert: The one with all that rabbit dung piled high on it? *Frowns at the seer* you know, you really should poopy scoop your familiars mess, what will people think?

OH: That I'm a witch?

Bert: Good point.

OH: Glad to see you didn't neglect your INT, so many do you know. And no not that path, that one!

Bert: Oh, the mushy yellow swampy one with *looks closely his nose almost touching the ground* elephant tracks on it.

OH: Minotaur

Bert: Right, I knew that, I'm a ranger after all. *Holds up his broken bow hopefully* I don't suppose you could…?

OH: *Groans* What do I look like, a fairy godmother? Look over there, the last *snorts* Ranger who took on this quest didn't get very far. He might have a few bits and bobs you can use. Now hurry up, remember *Deepens her voice, then cackles scaring the birds out of the trees* If the enemy puts on the Giant Blue Underpants, it is the end of the world and chaos shall reign! So hop to it!

Bert: *Coughs really loudly as he chokes on the smoke the seer conjures up to disappear into. Bending down over the remains of the last ranger he gingerly picks up the deceased's longbow and seeing a pair of rather swish yellow socks, grabs them too. Bert cups his hands around his mouth and shouts out* Was that left or right at the end of the trail?

OH: You’re the Ranger, figure it out! *The seer stomps off in the opposite direction griping about stupid heroes and spoiling an old ladies dramatic exit.

/End Cut Scene.

Start CutScene 2 ctp_black_desert set

*Bert tramples none to quietly up the soggy path that the Seer pointed to.*

Bert: I don't know why I agreed to this job, she didn't even tell me the pay conditions. *grumbles* Most likely less than minimum wage anyhow, if the quality of the equipment is anything to go by!

*Suddenly a single bolt of lightning hits the earth in front of Bert*

Bert: Hey!

* A firm yet disembodied voice sounds all around Bert*

OH: Ungrateful wretch! As if saving the world is not pay enough, I don't know, you would think surviving this quest alone would be above average pay, but NOOOOOOO he wants more. BAH!

Bert: Oh well I didn't mean….

*Bert looks thoughtful, glad that he actually chucked that spare ability point into his INT and not his Charisma after all. Anyway, Bert thinks to himself, charisma is lost on this old hag*

…So, I am going to survive then, well that IS nice to know!

OH: Who said so?

Bert: You did

OH: When?

Bert: Just now, you said "You would think surviving this quest alone would be above average pay"

OH: That’s right, would think I never said I did think! Now go away and leave me alone, do you think…oh wait, scratch that word, you obviously don't! I have other fools to baby sit and quests to give out, and believe it or not, SOME of them actually do have a chance at survival. Plus, they don't have talking bows!

Bert: Fine, go away then….and I don't!

Bow: Yes you do.

Bert: Huh? Who said that that? *Bert looks about and trips over a leaf*

Bow: I did, now can we get moving, I waited an AGE for you, well not you exactly, but someone to come along and pick me up. I was almost bored to death back there and an adventure sounds just the thing to get me interested in life again. So if you wouldn't mind…?

*Bert looks down at the bow in his hands as if he was holding a pile of droppings. Slowly understanding dawns on his face and he looks positively green*

Bert: Oh this is great, and I suppose you're one of those super dooper bows with unlimited ammo of fire arrows 1d6 of damage right?

Bow: yup got it in one! Boy am I glad you're a smart one, my last master had trouble counting to two, and I can tell you, he never got past one before he was dead!

*The bow hums gently in pleasure, making Bert's hand shake slightly*

Bert: Great! Oversized boots and a quivering bow, whatever next ?

*Bert stamps along the path mumbling about all sorts of dire things and how he became a ranger so he would not have to talk to anyone*

Be a ranger they said, it's great, all alone in the forest, plenty of meat to be had three times a day, cool uniform…riiiiiight. Oh yes, and the chicks can't resist a ranger, tall dark and brooding, they fall all over themselves for a night out in the wilds. And what do I get? Blue tits, Jays, a Crow or two, oversized boots, some mad Seer telling me I have to save a pair of blue underpants and a talking bow….and even the bow isn't female! I ask you again, what next?

Bow: Giant Blue Underpants, and uhm…let me see, I do believe it is a Fen Hound…oh yes, and her mate. How sweet!

*Bert looks up almost nose to nose with the most enormous Fen Hound he has ever seen. The nose wrinkles and the creature snarls so loudly it sends large blobs of spittle over Bert's face. Tilting his head to the side slightly Bert eyes up the female. Seeing that she is heavy with pups and looks to be well fed, Bert suddenly drops to the ground and rolls onto his back, legs and arms in the air, neck exposed to the large male. Small whimpers can be heard working their way up out of Bert's mouth.*

Bow: Get up you fool and back up so I can get a shot at it…what are you doing? Oh for the love of….no, not that, PLEASE not that!

*The large male having finished sniffing Bert and finding him no threat, spots the longbow and cocks a leg, marking his territory, then turns and disappears into the bushes*

Bert: Phew that was a close one, I failed nearly every roll back there you know!

Bow: Pray tell master, what didn't you fail then?

Bert: Oh it wasn't me, it was you.

Bow: Me?

Bert: Yes, seems you have such high CHAR the creature marked you as its own. Uhm…might be a bit tricky taking you with me now…you know how Alpha males can be about their property.

Bow: Don't leave me! It….it…urinated on me! Please I promise to be good, why I can even learn a few female voices if you would prefer…but don't leave me with that brute!

*Bert smiles secretly to him self, pretending to give a reluctant sigh*

Bert: Oh well, I suppose I can out smar…eh run that creature. Come along then before he needs to relieve himself again and comes looking for his spot.

Bow: You won't regret it I promise! Did I mention I have the added bonus of unlimited ammo?

Bert: Yes.

*Bow is silent for a moment, then in a high pitched voice it speaks up*

Bow: Ah don't suppose you have a hanky you darling handsome man do you?

*Bert looks sideways at the Bow, brow raised he says nothing and just whistles*

<i>/End CutScene

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