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Dear Strumpet - Vampire Victim Bites Back


Dear Strumpet,

I’ve been around for the past 200 years and this is the first time something like this has happened to me, and I’m at a loss as to what to do. I’m a vampire that is very active on the social scenes. I’m often invited to town events due to my natural charms but something happened at this last social event that has me flustered. Now contrary to popular belief, I don’t bite every young wench I see. I tend to be very selective, and even more selective with those that I choose to sire.

I had followed a young woman that I had known for a while to a social function with the hopes of turning her at some point in the evening, but lost her in the crowd. After several hours of searching, I fortunately found her and asked her to join me in a quiet corner of the room. She complied of course and we started to talk. After the initial pleasantries, I sired her. After our meeting I left the party, not waiting around for the screams of the partygoers.

Now understand that it was dark and I could barely see my own hands, not to mention hers. After several days of waiting by this young girl’s graveside, she finally arose, and to my complete and utter shock, it was the wrong girl! I must have gotten confused in the dimly lit party room and bitten her by mistake.

Now this girl won’t leave me alone. She keeps talking about our eternity together and how we were meant to find each other. She even got into my crypt and redecorated!! She put lace collars on all of the gargoyles and my coffin is now covered in some sort of pink quilted sham. I’ve got to do something now or I’m afraid I’ll stake myself!

She doesn’t know that I didn’t mean to bite her and I don’t know how to break it to her. I don’t want to be chained down in a committed relationship for all eternity, but I also don’t want to be a jerk. What should I do?

Dancer in the Dark

Dear Dancer,

To tell the truth, you are a vampire. You bite people for kicks. Being a jerk should be the least of your worries. On the other hand, I do understand the dilemma and not wanting to tick off someone who could literally hound you for all eternity. The solution here might be simpler then you might think.

Perhaps you should try to get her to leave you. This way, you get what you want and she gets closure. You could try making yourself very difficult to live with. Just multiply the normal male tendencies around the house and she might get annoyed enough to leave on her own. Leaving soiled capes around is one thing, but the idea of having to pick them up for you for eternity might push her over the edge. Try feeding from drunkards from the local pub right before you and the little woman turn in for the day. The smell of cheap rum will still be on your breath and is bound to get on her nerves.

If that scheme doesn’t tickle your fangs, you could always let her down easy and then try to fix her up with a friend. I’m sure a social bug like you would have many undead buddies that could get her heart racing, figuratively speaking of course. Perhaps you know a lich or someone of that caliber that knows how to show a girl a good time. All that power is bound to get her attention. If you do this right, you could end up starting a beautiful relationship for your friend and gain your freedom back at the same time.


The Grumpy Strumpet

Migrate Wizard: 
First Release: 
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