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Dear Strumpet - Barbarian Thong

Author: 
Mokah

Dear Strumpet,

For the last five years I’ve been traveling throughout the countryside plying my trade as an adventurer. I’m a barbarian by birth, but my mother always encouraged me to expand my horizons so whenever possible I’ve taken the time to educate myself with reading or conversing with the local bard on ancient lore. Now I’m used to adversity, as a female warrior I am accustomed to the uphill battle in making a name for myself and earning respect. As time went on however, I eventually got some regular work defending small villages from marauders and thwarting an evil warlord or too.

Now I never had given my outfit much thought in the early days, as a fur-lined bikini seemed like the natural choice. Everyone around me seemed very supportive too, so I went on my merry adventuring way righting wrongs and doing good as any talented barbarian queen should do in next to nothing.

Now that I’m a few years older and wiser, I’ve gotten to thinking about the practicalities of such outfits and had decided to dress in something more realistic and sensible. The only problem is that now I can’t find work! No one seems to know what to do with a warrior queen in a nice, loose fitting pant suit. Sure, bandits go running for the hills when I storm their camp in a studded leather thong and stiletto war boots, but try to rescue some orphans from a deranged warlord in a pair of sensible leather breeches and some comfortable shoes and all you get is blank stares.

So, now I don’t know what to do. My gold reserves are drying up and I really don’t want to go back to the old outfits. How am I supposed to keep a reputation that brings in new work and still keep my integrity? Please don’t tell me I have to sell out to the mouth-breathing rabble just to keep doing what I love.

Desperately,

Yenka the Warrior Queen


Dear Warrior Queen,

Unfortunately our society has grown accustomed to its archetypical heroes. It draws comfort from them, much as a child draws comfort from a favorite book read to them for the hundredth time. As a righter of wrongs, you are an icon that the people around draw strength and stability from. People come to expect a certain something from you, and quite frankly you shouldn’t be afraid to give it to them.

Don’t think of it as selling out; think of it as embracing a cultural truth. People want...no, need their barbarian queens running into battle with nothing but a mink stoll up their backsides. As hectic as the world can get, at least people can count on that. Strap on that polished metal brazier with pride and lop off heads with the best of them. At the end of the day, you might be cold, but you’ll know that you made the world a better place.

 

Sincerely,

Mokah

The Grumpy Strumpet

Migrate Wizard: 
First Release: 
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