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Dear Strumpet - Aligned With Evil?

Author: 
Mokah

Dear Strumpet,

I need your help. I’m afraid my life’s devotion is going to go unfulfilled simply because the unwashed masses refuse to recognize a major threat to their collective existence without said threat having a fancy name. It’s as if the populace is under some spell of a marketing genius and won’t give you the time of day unless you’ve got a banner or a slogan attached to your identity.

I’m a ruler of a small, but aggressive province just south of Waterdeep. Some would call me a tyrant, others perhaps would identify me as a cruel overlord, but to tell you the truth I’m a little depressed that my true nature as the arch nemesis I know I could be hasn’t been embraced by the people.

I’ve got all the credentials. I’m surrounded by henchmen who will do whatever nefarious bidding I so devise. I have a stronghold that is quite diabolical, yet functional, and I am quite sure that my alignment of Chaotic Evil should strike fear in most commoners and attract plenty of paladin do-gooders charging my way for battle.

Yet nothing. Not one challenge to my obviously up-and-coming evil empire. Not one lousy adventurer group has banged on my door. Oh sure, the “Hordes of the Underdark” are something to be feared and the “King of Shadows” leaves children shivering under the covers at night, but do I get an ounce of revile? Bah! I’d be lucky if a barmaid threw a drink in my face in disgust. Frankly, I’m out of ideas.

Evilly yours,

Barry, the Belligerent


Dear Barry,

I have to admit, I’ve never heard of you. To be fair, the Realms are a large and complicated place and your nefarious deeds may have just gotten lost in all of the other goings on. Try not to take too much offense. You are right that the proper name is very important to striking the right chord with the public. There’s a reason the “Ancient Ones” weren’t called the “Collective of Elderly Lizardmen.” It’s just not good promotion.

In truth I’m afraid you’re going to have to achieve something mildly evil if you want people to take you seriously. I know you say that your alignment speaks for itself, but in this day and age people want results. They want a more physical evil. Raze a village, loot a kingdom, short-sheet a nun’s bedchamber, it really doesn’t matter, just as long as it’s memorable. The public has to have a real feeling of dread when your name comes up around the ale keg.

Speaking of names, you honestly should think about changing yours. I can’t remember the last “Barry” that was threatening or even marginally offensive to me. It’s just not a name you would associate with the pits of Hades. Try something more visceral like Morgoth, or Drantor, or a disreputable sounding title. I’ve always liked the “Crimson Hand” or something with “Bane” in the title. Something like that will be sure to perk up the ears of even the most lackadaisical hero. Feel free to use any of these ideas.

You’d be surprised at how effective good branding can be when coupled with actual maniacal deeds to back it up. I’m sure you’ll be fighting off the heroes in no time.

Sincerely,

Mokah

The Grumpy Strumpet

Migrate Wizard: 
First Release: 
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